Sunday, 20 October 2013

Autobioraphical Jetsum Part 1. Request.

To be Performed and Uploaded to Upworthy



Dear poets:

I'm emailing you because I've been put in charge of the spoken word tent at some tiny festival. I need a lineup that can keep the audience engaged and entertained. Unfortunately we can't pay you anything, but you'll get a free pass for the whole festival and the opportunity to perform in front of some really lovely people. Slots are ten minutes max. We will also be holding a poetry slam. If you want to be in with a chance at performing please email me with links to your work and a short biography. 

Adxlemx. x

Initial Thoughts

1)

Fuck off. No just ignore.

... and what do you want anyway? Poetry or 'spoken word' because I do believe they are totally different things. I wasn't going to get angry but I haven't got a job and there's fuck all else to do. I get an email inviting me to a festival only to find out it's another fucking job application. Or a workfare order. Come here. Do this. In our language. Lazy cunt. Sorry. I wasn't going to get angry but I've spent all day filling out a form and fucking around on facebook. There's some great books around the desk and a load of great music but now I'm listening to this link on Upworthy and I hate it so much. She steps up to the microphone and closes her eyes with a deep breath. She starts talking from the hell of her identity. And why not. She's espousing a symptom and she feels tender and dead. She's been abused by all these horrible doctors. She makes me think that people like you aren't so bad. After all, you're putting on live arts events, and even if they are utter crap (to me, sometimes) you're tearing us all away from a load more utter crap. But now I remember when I first met you. Do you? It was in a bar at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and you were chatting animatedly to me whilst you had this child on a leash, you called them a boy, you kept tugging at him, choke. Choke. And think about how I just referred to that person on Upworthy. Straight in with the gendered pronouns, straight in with the exit via back story. She's an element, a commodity and a complex of collected hatred.

That is a deep discomfort. People are celebrating the violent symptom as it speaks, totally emersed in the language of the disease.

Save to drafts. This is dumb. Don't be such a dick. Write something else.

2)

Three years ago I would have jumped at your message. I always told people I loved poetry. I never read any. I didn't actually like it very much at all. I liked going to nights where people told me I was good at something. I was socialized as a boy and I wanted thunder. I did that shouty comedy rant stuff. I did this faux-serious stuff. Really, it was the worst kind of poetry. But I used to get gigs.

This keeps going the wrong way. I had my good friend do a reading once and they run a lot of this stuff. They are smart, and read poetry. My utter respect. There was a poem they did and it juddered and left me speechless. It would open up on a point of understanding like (para) 'to think I actually touched your face' and then close its jaws on 'a corporeal mincing of' and 'electrocution device'. It sounded like the kind of poetry I was becoming interested in, poetry. It was. It still is. I have a copy of it in a pamphlet along with some graffiti. But it seemed to have found an exit in a culture that wouldn't normally give it a look in, which is grotesque. I remember I was a judge in a poetry slam once. Someone went up and read a poem. I didn't understand it. Refused to applaud. Gave it  a 4/10. Now her book is in my bag. I read it every day. She's a poet who will go down in history. Why weren't we listening? Because of a cultural wound. We were absolutely expecting poetry not to change us. It might make us laugh a bit, feel sentimental or moved, but only pretentious wankers take poetry seriously. If you've got a ukelele and everything is ironic you get to inhabit a world where you couldn't hurt a soul. And that's what you want. You love the world. You love poetry. You love everyone. You think people who take things seriously are the worst.

a) (TRIGGER FUCKING WANING) wanting to
feel deficiency. Markers up. Flares in the spirit of motherliness. Not 'I am'. Oppose inspiration.
Glue is made in factories and gas masks and choking horse paws melted fires, English people
stomach this. Little flaps of paper. I feel humourless.
    itch
    fk
   df
flames form schedule knifing /// roots and ------L's   . To your  failures; have a nice day. Do
not endure
   f--p ist a rights of war be boil. Bubonic. Hoch.

b) Sects. I left one gang for the arms of another. Nothing personal mind.

3)

But when I left
the church, when
I started fucking
around
with my gender
   I would still
cling to any hand
and you were so appealing
and drinking
was mandate
take me fell and weird
we
    l  o  vers O my happiness
fading O I fading form.

4)

And it had to be a novelty. There is a lot of mess when you start talking about taste. It's all very liberal. If you're a liberal, I'm sorry. You might be there for a while. I'm upset about Brighton. Apparently there used to be this cinema. Now we're all clawing at the doors of the Komedia because
well
I miss the cinema
and what happened to 
erm, those folk
singer songwriters. Strings, sweet things. My eyes are full of balisticks.

It's very pretentious I think to go up onto a stage and 'recite' memorised spoken word under the guise of spontaneous and witty outbursts. I mean, what is wit if not a slander on tedious reproduction. Perhaps it's always a trick. You've seen some of the stupid stuff I get up to. Pissing off royalists. Spreading those poisonous memes. But I almost feel like they are good. They don't disguise themselves as anything other than sick. A pink sunset, a vapid statement. An existence of vampire sharing. They're similar to these people I'm writing a job application to: the more desperate I am from their deranged wisdom and economic freedom the more likely I am to do anything they say. Performance Poetry is different to that. Actual people. You have to look them in the eye. They say all kinds of things.

5)

I could have written something big about the Tories. Just fuck it.

It would be best now to proceed with caution. These are acted thoughts.

I won't tow the line pure against career, if you have to work and what is

remaining 'pure' this is not for authenticity but against tedium. 'Stop exploring'.

a)

I'm in love. I love the world. Just in case
there were a few friends
I hadn't managed to piss off.

So on these Upworthy videos people get an idea of poetry as this stayed performance, everything vocalised and in a tried and tested language. Something you can use straight out of the package and they are right. That's the thing we're watching. And it works by the logic of presenting some kind of crisis that can be overcome simply. The overcoming is important, and the art is secondary. At least that's how I'd put it if I had to. It also wants to reach people. It wants to claim that poetry isn't alienating. Have you read the passage in the Divine Comedy? The one down in hell. The one that's all about you?

Or Rimbaud? Of course poetry isn't alienating. He was gay and drank absinthe!!!

I feel like we're exposing ourselves to a culture that doesn't even want to fuck. Real passion is useless when you're trying to get people through the door. Everyone's just so disconnected these days, maaaaan.

Abandon the alphabet, but this is the next sub-section)

Thou great redeamer, thou compensating
maternal super-ego. You're a person of this
demeaner. We like you. Look at your
funny clothes.

I don't want to write anything anymore. I want to feel comfortable, and to do that I need a long and winding list of enemies. Can I think of any off the top of my head? Apart from the obvious ones that is. This person who started touching my sister's face as they slept by the fire. Is it cruel? They don't read this kind of thing and don't care and we split
Ash, what do you think of running a night together
where we try and reach out to the Godless, the people
who have abandoned morality. Okay, it's that. That's
the problem at the moment. Annekdote. Personhood,
body. I've never even been your brain. I'll read anywhere.

x







 


Monday, 23 September 2013

Eschatology

          This morning I fell through the back of a dream. We were on an island somewhere off the coast of England. You could smell the thing. There was a lighthouse there and we were participating in group activities. Some sort of cult. I was getting ready to paint some model soldiers for an hour when the siren gulped. Light aircraft in the sky. People running: "____ is coming!!!" 

        As a final kindness we can go and see her. In Minneapolis I think. We got in the car and started moving. Somehow we were off the island. The smell had gone. We were somewhere else, like it was made of electricity; a newsreader appeared on a flat projected screen in the sky, squawking on, glitching, mouth gaping, horrible sounds. Changing form. Trees exploding in the ground. The air was heavy and the sky was a sack of orange clouds and fire. We still couldn't see her. Some golden headed Mormons screaming 'she's here! Go back!' Border patrols about, handing us huge buckets of fast food on the way in. Her last kindness. 

"Have I neglected to teach my children to pray?
Have I neglected the religious education of my children?
Gave I failed to bring my children to Sunday Mass?
Have I argued with my spouse in front of my children?
Have I failed to exercise vigilance over what my children read, see on television or on the internet?
Have I been harsh or overbearing to my children?
Have I neglected my children's welfare in any way?"

Friday, 30 August 2013

30.08.13

Those are blanks, he states. But these
are the real muck; a tower of rising
black smoke. A page from it
breathing in, a collapsed balloon.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Accident Rhyme



To the taste the golden pot it
rattles open, needing to pee
rates. Game rates, spartan file out of
the flapping
                   wooden panels, oak
for the mere thought of
                                    tunnel with
this mine basis light i care to
cut at tape, rattle rattle like
a body. She glances straighten
hair and cheeks; put a bit of blood
around the bone, be selection
be cut
           off. Publicity
strangled
where was you
ribbon coming
into warp
                        NO I WANT YOU this is the freckled truth proof at least
                        identity frail this shows you composition this forsakes     O
                        terminal stupor. Natural  bargain, nature piano  wire  fakes

now off with you bleached SUN
stupid fucker, coiled this ridge of
neuron-skin by the possum clothes
and try i do to be everyone elses

close down thought . Muscles make you stupid
like the sun which is systems of thought makes
you clever, limp, clear. With a nappy in hand
makes nothing this makes you clear as water
succubus, Cthulu edge, this makes you Saturn
this week money pours over land over save
preview clothes this makes your paws dirt steam
this makes the hand come down to hurt me

                 NO I WANT YOU NOW COME in(((((hard the floor of bedding
                 lacks properties living can't refuse  your lift my head up colour geld
                 bland to where lacking and all I want fallow to disgrace myself opened
                 'a fist in your womb' cremation bound. This man smells the light of
                 the household fires, brings in a box of vinegar for packing, put your
                 feet into water. Your fingers collect in saps///

spacial /// grips /// gelded /// thumanth /// no peak
to rest. Joyous
as in go
now out
punish
kind and pure
this grace
god gets
knows
how easy
it is more
cold than
possibly
plants and mites
and mistake
                   (health)'s are aplenty lake shine shit
 practicalities
                     haunt me, the very very
                     wealth.

Notes for the Wild Wood

Deep out of Value


I saw the sun. You stupid fucking sun. It was clearing over waste. Waste products. Don't take care. A single form. I sew its weight. 

It is German coloured. You stupid sun. You wreck of a man.

Now I'm beginning to agree with the women who shut you out.

Pincers
around my
rings
around the
world my
round
bulging history
take back
no
edit field 


Stay away you stupid sucker

strip her. Clothes peeling dangle loose. She thinks she's  a bitch and so

do I think
of you
my maps
whilst on
the conceptual
breaking
bulls and
battery.      Guess what

I am not given to kindness to poets, poets suck such jelly
poets get my gild mind hears the cracking toes of words
spilt in my gelatinous frame rate split with head piece wish
me well foolish cunt of a singer wish me fuck like well.

Across the lap
of value my
credit is fallen
limpet 
we will watch
a film
a whisky
take a dung
hole back to my fort darling
wanking and fits of coughs
she closes behind and silks
seduce 
secrete her sweat I am yes gaining in love
and no gaining in anger what was it saying
you scratcher beetle 'sink your fingers down
to the knuckle' pull
back blind
hair lament my.

MINE. MINE. GIVE ME MINE. MINE SOFTENING. GINGERS. 

(health.) 


      (healthy)

put skins labels permalink frosting I write this
for the web log, suck it up, O fused mouth
capital groan I am not a comm sick as I am
not Options Options Reader I marred my process. 














Monday, 5 August 2013

two speakings

so then it goes.


i want to be tied to a...


really.


i want you to hold on. i won’t work for nothing. i really want to work. i want things to work between us.


i’ve been having dreams where i’m executed by my friends. sean stays by the wall. jonny goes across the room. he says ‘keston sutherland!’ he says ‘hey schmoopsie.’ he says ‘trend in by near miss current propel ignore delete stars delete strike that today i saw a woman strike that but new wit is diktat in honey strands / murder how uncentral -’ what is it, grinning.


i want to be a just teen boy or a just pre-teen one, to be captured by girls. to be sexually abused. to be changed and tenderly loved.


how about what we do? who’s the easiest tory to kill. i say these things and my friends are shocked which is all i ever wanted but killing is in fashion look at, you my eyes are crazed my new sleep my lost sister unborn pouring gentle killing smacking hissing eat my feet you fag.


who do you think is the best?


who do you think made your mind?


did you go to eton. did you go to cambridge. did i just destroy you. my settle my balance slip oh disc or level up inland
harm it has to be to suckle lips akin to steel this
is my mouth spraying language
like a fuck like mirrors sorting umbridge gas mask let this list be long and swift my heartfelt public columbines.


why do we fuck to extremes. nowhere. i want to say to this to you to lurch into limits scuppered by tongue aflame to which you promise will my sweltered dolly tapping nil by hand by cross by dachshund scowl i flew my new sister
a sweetly down and drawn to be fucked with
each time you levitate back unsung hero
dream of cowards let’s be young. let’s be sisters. i want to make love with my newest sister.


but all too soon the door will open.


all too soon the daddy’s back.


all too soon the morning opens.


all too soon the wage denies.


all too soon your stately air is cut to watch a litter badly all too soon the air is fasting all too soon i cum too quickly all too soon my pantied bum and all too glad them famished starting every day and every dowry quick a yelp a milk a matter all those nations all that laquer all those come and compaq grouching all too eris all to nature all too wanted legs together all too megan all so Luna all so Michael Vincent Waugh my mouth is open in walks Cathy oval prompt b to ruination all those HP all those vicars all that doubt and mammoth grim all wish smarted ribbbon safron all too peaches pass your lip juice all too kind you’re all too cute and always winning fuck you winning fuck if funny heard fuck the spiral all too compute all this panty all this


i want us all to start kissing on the lips in greeting


and whenever we can.


i want to be unchanged by this. i want you all to tie me up. i want it to be ike the way friends would do it.


we’re tired of all the noises.


who’s going to change the entire world without fucking. what if you’re asexual. i’m sorry. i’m fucked off with the rules of engagement. no i won’t go onto the factory floor. you are still a tourist. you are still from your school of thinking. i don’t care if you’re getting your dick on.


i don’t care if you’re dormant flute, get int suit.


what if i want to exaggerate. i’m sorry that i sometimes tell lies to make the world look better. i’m scared of what you think of me, and a fist invading my visor.


Kalista is this very kindness. don’t be afraid
of what you’re emitting. cancel nothing of you.


why do i make these songbirds stutter. a machine goes off in the pitch of the night i started to say to say that i wondered softly wounds were welcomed Christ and pits and coming down.


where have you gone to now Jonny. do you think she’ll like this? what is that taste in her mouth today. a golden peach. 23 stuck throats aim for collapse.
this is a bit of my weirdest wild.
i want to be a child. i want to be
three years old. i want to be made

to be three years old. cancel shame. cancel privilege. cancel bodies. cancel nothing.


***

what about people with learning difficulties.

i’m sorry for your education.

if you just stand there can you see you’re making us hungry. i’m sorry for your education. weapons. they don’t get to think like you think. i don’t get the words you get. why are your lips so wet. did you have some water.

i’m afraid of danny. we’re on the same side.

***



Tuesday, 26 June 2012

)(§§§±)±(^£||||}]

Let's chat about 'fluidity'. A block of text for bridging a stumbling block. That there is a space for movement within the contingent flow of 'general' identity. But surely the idea of a generality of identity is normaising? That's only a question insofar as its treatment at this point. It has no permanence as a question. The answer is yes. Fluidity also supposes a single direction, beginning as rain, tiny droplets, ending in the sea. So the analogy we are creating with the notion of 'fluid' (at least this one) is skewed. It supposes that the identity is primal, and that through its fluid journey, its reckoning, it becomes absorbed into the larger porous and populated mass. Some people are okay with that: the inward becomes outward becomes inward becomes outward until the last, most animistic and Christian act of self loss. Blissfully ejected into the ether. Or simply entwining one to the other. Or atomizing into the infinite. There are a lot of ways of putting it. And putting it off. What is lost within fluidity is any kind of half decent analysis of the component body and mind. The tiny fleck, its heteroglossilalic jibber. I don't know what the answer is except 'yes', or how to prove it or otherwise. But I keep talking about gender as fluid. And I am starting to think that because I use it so freely and so much that it must be misleading. It is certainly alarmingly convenient. What I often mean when I say it is that 'gender' describes a lot of small actions, events and patterns. These will often shift and alter. Hence the umbrella gender has the propensity to shift too. But how many of these smaller components create the larger shift? It certainly isn't healthy to think of things like this in terms of some macro balancing act. Can't we just get over this one or the other paradigm? I mean, I had quite a good time being a boy. It's not like being a conservative or something. Although the majority of them are. They want you to take it seriously. Or perhaps this is a 'pataphor. Anyway. I don't have any resolution. But I'm happy. Smash some glass. And fuck off. x