Saturday, 17 October 2015

17.10.15

    There is no
reconciliation
                          in death
 
     there's none in life
there's no life
                       left.
 
...say grab a gun
                            all around me,  minds,  brains, 
 
love,,
love surrounds me
                               like a smell, everywhere
minds,  blasting,  screaming,   crying out:
 
 
 
 
I've started to sleep very deeply.

Dreams all the time,
                                  're everywhere I look:
 
  vivid,   fluid,
                        I thought
                        if I started to sleep it would feel better:
                        rest is the antithesis to stress: the enemy
it depends on it. Sleep and stress, sleep and stress, come back:
Help me, sleep and more sleep and still more, lashes flitting,,
send me a sister to sleep
 
to sleep in the lap, sleep and sleep and no help me:
 
 
I'm more and more anxious
                                             anxious all the time
                                             late
                                                     to everything
                                                         nothing
seems to start to move,
 
                                          brains,   falling,
     everywhere around me I can hear them
              what are they doing
              with me.
Now, opposite the sea, huge, patent
 
 

                                               you're underneath the sea
                                               In a galley   not yourself,
your family. Loss,   minds,   all the time
 
could rent a small room and sell
books and music
 
I can't believe you're dead and it's all
I can say it's stuck in my mouth
                                                     my voice is what it is:
 
marks on my skin
                             baffled
     where I scratch off the surface
     skin under my nails
     feeling so un-beautiful un-
childlike  I make friends
 

I detach. And scratch. I go into work
and drag you with me along the floor
through the doors, the airlock
                                                 and try to comb  my mind

a sudden cheering lurch
welling, hopeful, your smiling
skin,
is it possible
 to slice
           through glue?
 
 
********************************
 
"Say thank you melancholia, say thank you livid scent, say thanks to mandatory training, say thank you kitchen labour, say thank you CR02, say thank you supervision, say thank you horrible triggers, say thank you Venn diagram, say thank you 6am, say thank you PBS, say thank you departed friends, say thanks a million lawyers, say thank you 50% more likely to consider or commit suicide, say thank you bedded statistics, say thank you dragged from one task to the next, say thank you once jubilant work place, say thank you eroding sense of care, say thank you teeth of managers, say thank you for your change, say thank you to your tiredness, say thank you fair exchange."
 
 
 
....I'm sorry I've been coming here with
all my shitty moods but lately
my brain feels all loosed up
                                               and wrong
like imagine how it feels when you flush
out a tapeworm,
 
 
                            imagine how the tapeworm
feels; like that. All loosed,, wrong,
unable to care, panicked, ingested,,
 
 

hours and hours,,   upon hours
sleep and sleep, torn in and out of sleep and sleep
 
hello pretty: o sleep comes rolling back
my little
 
 
, this neon voice
flaring up before me, do not deviate
from your course
 
over and over again,, clumsy,, malignant
 
 
                                  when in fact waking up every day taking
one lasting breath
glaring up at the ceiling,, hammering
the roof out;
 

dress me in my favourite clothes, pick
                                                               them out for me
let me be arid and choiceless,
                                                  childlike, listening
                                                  silver graceless bells.

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