Total Disclosure (if it ruins narcissism)

I've been posting here a lot recently. Sorry for the onslaught. It's just that at the moment I'm in the position of having a job I'll be starting fairly soon and also having a bit of time to think. Without feeling constantly worried, guilty etc. The strange thing is, its done some odd things to my wants. The impulse to smash stuff up is still there. But it's a lot more stupid and funny. The only way to respond to any kind of personal anger is to grab something really big and chuck it as hard and far as you can in any direction. Imagine if more people did that. It's why I love the countryside so much, in fact it's the only reason I like the fact that we're not all packed in to a completely solid form where we can't move at all. Some people would say that is literally the case, but they're wrong. I mean, for some people it's really close to that, and anyone who's ever got to move down a road or corridor should count themselves extremely lucky. My point is that I like space and I like how it is interupted by stupid representations of law. I don't 'like' that. I'm not signing up to it as a good thing. It's the enemy, right, law. But I do like the walls because jouisance is chucking something at one of them, or at another stupid fragile thing, even by mistake. Or actually it's being chucked against them from time to time yourself if you're anything like me. It scares me all the time that we'll probably always need law. Whatever law it is. 

For a while people have been talking about total sexual disclosure. What worries me about this as a principal for poetics is that its focal point ends up in the tone row of the symptom, so the music perhaps relies upon an understanding of an exit from the law based on what we do in private, making it public. That, for me, doesn't feel like a deracination. It actually feels like something of a surrender, and I worry that certain subjectivities are ignored in its wake. Perhaps a more interesting approach would be a disclosure of that particular need. But this sounds like strategy again, like there's some perfection to strive for, some ultimate end; a place in history. That, for me, is often the active broadening stem of the kind of thought that should be absolutely distrusted. On the other hand, I'm not going to start prescribing some altruistic self negation. Abandon ship and hope for the best. So how do we keep our disclosures away from narcissism? Or keep narcissism away from us, when the walls and precious objects are everywhere. 

Delicacy has to sear through pain as pain must rest on care. Care lives in terror as terror falls out of violence. What is a collision? When violent subject says: 'I am not always submissive but just now I always am." to which non-violent subject says 'I am not always dominant but today I always am'. A harmonic arrangement / agreement. That arrangement totals in social outcomes like gender, work, sexuality and confession. Terror is the right to break the harmony of one law while exacting another, and it's women who suffer the beginning of that new law. 

The totaling of a song that totals desire to the point of absolute weakness could be strength in reaching past terror, over the horizon. When really you want to talk about the unjustified, the shameful and innate; the bit in your memory that feels untraceable, a rendezvous that was always there and was once never there. Okay, I'm feeling very confused now, and I should carry on filling in these forms. God bless you, one and all. xx